Saturday, August 13, 2011
Today I realized that despite the fact I put up an excellent front, I am a depressed woman. My depression stems from circumstances beyond my control. I have always tried to be a positive, easy going person. Today I understand that I have no control at all and I see no chance of changing this. Seeking professional help in the past has only enforced the fact that I have absolutely no control over the things that make me so sad. I will be trying it again, seeking professional help that is, though I'm not sure why. I don't have any faith that things will change. My situational depression will never change unless the worst happens. The worst thing would be the death of my medically complicated child. I love her, I don't want that to happen. There is of course the option to put her in a home. I don't believe that is an option. So I'm here in this life that I have tried for nearly 21 years to control the best way I can. To do the right thing. I've placed all my faith in God and He has pulled me through many times but time after time I end up right back here, having only the desire to sleep my days away.
I've tried medication a time or two. Perhaps the desire to sleep all day dissipates and as the stresses of my complicated life ease I find some happiness, this however, is also true without medication. I'm reaching out needing help from others out here in the WWW that may understand the depression or the dealings with special medical needs, the worries of the death of your child because of living with life support and constant medical issues that arise.