Today I realized that despite the fact I put up an excellent front, I am a depressed woman. My depression stems from circumstances beyond my control. I have always tried to be a positive, easy going person. Today I understand that I have no control at all and I see no chance of changing this. Seeking professional help in the past has only enforced the fact that I have absolutely no control over the things that make me so sad. I will be trying it again, seeking professional help that is, though I'm not sure why. I don't have any faith that things will change. My situational depression will never change unless the worst happens. The worst thing would be the death of my medically complicated child. I love her, I don't want that to happen. There is of course the option to put her in a home. I don't believe that is an option. So I'm here in this life that I have tried for nearly 21 years to control the best way I can. To do the right thing. I've placed all my faith in God and He has pulled me through many times but time after time I end up right back here, having only the desire to sleep my days away.
I've tried medication a time or two. Perhaps the desire to sleep all day dissipates and as the stresses of my complicated life ease I find some happiness, this however, is also true without medication. I'm reaching out needing help from others out here in the WWW that may understand the depression or the dealings with special medical needs, the worries of the death of your child because of living with life support and constant medical issues that arise.
I just want you to know that you are being thought of. As a sufferer of depression, I understand the paralyzing affect it can have on your life. I also know of the great anguish that it can cause. I am so sorry about the medical complications with your child. I hope that you will continue to seek out proper treatment and that you will find success in doing so. May God continue to bless you and your family.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you. I, for one, do not have experience dealing with major medical issues or being the care taker of someone who does but I can't IMAGINE the stress of it all. It's no wonder you are having a hard time.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to admit you need some kind of help (especially to yourself). That is the FIRST and HARDEST step to healing.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Melanie
after I commented I thought of this song...
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/Q2saTjwg7_g
(the pictures wont be applicable...just close your eyes and listen deeply :)...)
I hope you take a minute (or 3) to listen to it.
I'd like to thank you all for your support. I never wanted to admit depression in the past. Perhaps because in my case it is a situational depression. I hate that situations in my life affect my mental status. I want to be happy and on top of it all the time. I know that is not the way of life but I sure would like it to be.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you. Wondering how you are doing.
ReplyDeleteMy depression, too, was triggered by a pretty rough situation. It's gone and past but the effects of it lingered forever. I can't imagine what you are going through.
I firmly believe you can be happy. You can. And you will be again. We are just going to have to figure it out. Just know that I'm here for you and hope all is going well.
Feel free to e-mail me ANY TIME!
melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com
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